It Get's Better - I Promise

(September 23, 2013)Yesterday while sitting in the car of the school parking lot waiting for my wife to come down from our daughter’s dorm room, I saw friend walking solemnly toward her vehicle that was parked next to mine. She didn’t notice me but I watched her closely, her body language signaling to leave her alone. She sat in her car still and pensive and tired, but not physically tired, it was as though she was waiting for what she was thinking about to be over. I knew the look and feeling all too well. It was easy to identify. I allowed her to finish her thoughts before I rolled down my window. I stared in her direction hoping that she would see me in her peripheral vision. I didn’t want to be too intrusive, a characteristic my wife says I should exercise in moderation especially in her presence.  After several minutes and the intensity of the cramp in my neck from staring, I couldn’t help myself. “It gets better”, my voiced muffled through the closed window of her car.  Finally she looked my way smiled and rolled down her window. “It gets better”, I repeated. “Is it that obvious”, she replied.

Whenever we are in the midst of our storm we are unaware of the experience that the universe is trying to teach us. We are so self-absorbed in our grief that we forget to take a look at what is happening and fail to take the necessary steps to change our situation. But what happens when we can’t change what is happening? What happens when the result of our suffering is because of a choice we made and now have to deal with the inevitable consequences? The answer is we allow ourselves to feel every bit of what we need to feel and grieve. The important thing to remember is not to live in the grief. That’s hard. It will get better but your journey belongs to you and only you.

My friend is dealing with leaving her daughter at boarding school.  Although Camille started as a freshman like our daughter she was a day student which meant that each day her parents would take the fifty-minute commute to and from school. It was the sacrifice that my wife and I thought about, but glad we chose not to. It doesn’t matter when your child leaves the home it pulls at your heart strings and there is a constant nostalgia for what formerly was. We made the choice and now we are left to handle everything that comes with that choice, the good, the bad and the ugly.

What I learned from talking with my friend Joyce, is that all the pain and suffering, because of course that is what I obviously went through, was to grow and learn and to finally help others. I often hear that everything happens for a reason, now I finally get to see the reason in Joyce.

Everything I went through the tears, the doubt, and the struggle of redefining our family meant something. At the time I was not aware of what it all meant, I believed it was the result of a choice I freely made. But as Joyce and I spoke I was able to draw from my personal experience and provide a level of understanding that only I could. There are many parents that could relay their story with Joyce. The point is you have to be available and sometimes create the opportunity to help others, not matter how intrusive you may appear. Sorry honey.