There's a Flag on the Play

(October 19, 2013) Boundaries are necessary, I get that. Knowing how far to go keeps us in the lane we’re supposed to be in. But what happens when the boundaries become smaller, when what formerly seemed normal is now considered the abnormal. We find ourselves changing our behavior and making adjustments trying to find our place.

In the firsts month of school my wife and I decided that it would be best to allow our daughter to stay on campus full time which to us means over the weekends. It has proven to be a very wise and successful move on all fronts and the transition had made all of our lives easier. Now our child comes home when she wants to be with us and trust me, we love it that way.
Last weekend when we dropped off our daughter I saw my close friend sitting on the bench that overlooked the South Lawn. His daughter and my daughter have known each other since they were three years old. The view of South Lawn is spectacular. In the distance you can see the equestrian team practice as they guide the horses over the posts. The tennis court was void of players but just beyond  you could see the multi-million dollar field house is still under construction. The vast lawn was perfectly trimmed and the lone tree that had become the school's symbol sat center perfect in full bloom. His eyebrows were furrowed as he stared out not capturing the beauty.  knew instantly what aggravated him. I let him stew while I assisted my wife and daughter up the three flights of stairs with laundry and a month’s worth of water and snacks. I sat the large suitcase at the door that lead into the dorm hall and held it open as my wife and daughter made their way toward the dorm room. My daughter returned to retrieve the case of water I had and we said our goodbyes. My wife remained in the dorm room unpacking. 

Downstairs I joined my friend on the bench to wait for our wives. I listened to him lament over the new rule of not allowing men in the dorm hall and the injustice of it all. How a father could be denied entry into his daughter’s dorm room, a room that he was paying for handsomely was beyond his comprehension. His rationales were strong and could easily be supported by anyone who thought like my friend. He even brought up points I overlooked. But I could not help to think that he was wrong. The boundaries were moved and no one told him. What was once normal was now unfamiliar and inaccessible. There was an adjustment to be made and his resistance was evident. Helping her unpack her things was not because she couldn’t do it; it was about spending more time with her. It was an opportunity to prolong the visit just a little while longer before they had to say goodbye. It was what he was accustomed, it was their routine.

I knew that the boundary was actually set by his daughter. She did not want her father in the sophomore girls dorm.  I know this because my daughter told me  the same thing. I understood.I got the message. She is getting older and girls roam freely and they should be able to do so without worrying who is lurking around the corner. (Not that I lurk).  I know that he will eventually get over it and that it takes some getting used to. But we all have our role and boundaries are necessary, to explore who you are. I get that.