It has been some time since I posted an update on how our daughter is doing in boarding school. Frankly, she is doing fantastic. She enjoys every aspect of boarding school, the independence, the academics, the diversity and the growth of things yet to come. She sees a future in her life and understands already that this is the first step to achieving her goals. I know, I know, she’s only fourteen; there is no possible way that she can know all these things so early on in her freshman year of high school. But I beg to differ. She does not voice her new knowledge but her actions tell me she understands what it takes to be successful. And in this case actions speak louder than words.
We recently completed our parent teacher conferences, and before I divulge our experience I should preface this by stating that our daughter had four nominations to the head of school and made the honor roll. Now that that’s out of the way, the reports of our daughters progress was mostly positive. The beginning of the semester was a slow crawl to her usual studious self, especially coming from two and half weeks of Christmas break so I can reasonably understand her lack of focus to return eagerly to her rigorous schedule of studying and sports.
We were givend two hours to complete our conferences. We picked up our schedule at the Library where a tray of gourmet cookies sat tempting me to oblige but I declined. We were provided a schedule and had fifteen minutes to reach each building and meet with each teacher. Keeping their motto in mind, “if you are on time then your late”, we walked swiftly to our first meeting clear across the campus. We repeated this pattern for two hours each time reaching our destination with bated breath as we scurried from one building to the next. Finally at our last session ahead of schedule I was pleased that we were able to sit for a few minutes before entering the classroom. Once inside the classroom, things turned sour quickly. The teacher was disconnected as she spoke about our daughter. It was as though she was speaking of someone else, as though the person, our daughter, did not matter. Her approach was aloof, her mind occupied and all she wanted to do was get out and do what was on her mind. She was absent in our presence. She tried to convince us that most parents would rather hear negative comments about their child. My wife could no longer take the berating comments and stood staring squarely at her, asking, what action she had taken to ensure our daughters continued success. My wife wanted to know if teaching is a partnership or is the child left to fend for themselves. Her vague response confirmed what my wife already knew and took me longer to realize. Our daughter had to fend for herself in this class and no rope or life jacket would be tossed until it was time to pull the body to shore.
Once I really stopped to look closer at what was happening I learned a few things, - one, our daughter is a strong young lady and her resilience goes beyond the capacity and the limits we as parents have placed on her. Two, responsibility means having the ability to complete the request with the criteria given in a timely manner. Lastly, parents often see what they want to see instead of what they need to see. Our daughter needs to assert herself in the classroom and make her needs known. She must take the next step into young adulthood and truly fend for herself. I know that we have acted as her life jacket in the past, and we will be ready to be tossed into the chaos of her life when required. But for now, she has to make her way, her mistakes and her choices so that the natural consequences that will inevitably follow, will force the change she wants to become.
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